Down South, people say the last thing they want for a Christmas lunch is a hot, table-groaning roast with trimmings.
Because it is hot here in December, many will settle to sit outside in the extreme heat and braai meat over fiery charcoal.Yeah, we built that way…
But in South Africa braaing has assumed almost mythical qualities. A Christmas braai is no different and many do not discriminate with the hard-core experts never dropping standards – even if it is an impromptu fishing trip braai or a Christmas lunch one with family and friends gathered… the bar is never lowered.
So what is needed for that perfect braai? Charcoal and wood. Do not use newspaper – the pundits will frown at this with the assumption that the lead from the ink will contaminate the meat.
In the same vein, do not use too many firelighters or charcoal which includes ready-made fire lighter liquid. Go for the long-lasting stuff backed up by old-fashioned wood.
Watching the flames gather speed while swirling a brandy and Coke is about as South African as watching Eben score a try.
Comments will be made by-standers as the fire maker does his thing. Family members, especially those who have flown in from exotic places to spend Christmas at your humble home, will provide the most barbed remarks.
Comments will range from ‘When I was in the army I made a fire by rubbing a piece of wood on the heel of my boot’ to ‘In Australia we don’t call it a braai but basically it’s the same thing’.
The latter comment will elicit stares of disbelief which will be tampered with the urge not to disrupt the family lunch.
No one watching will get their hands dirty in a bid to help the fire maker. Even a runway piece of charcoal will be merely scuffed away.
Meanwhile, the womenfolk will huddle around inside the kitchen, making salads that no one will eat. Around the fire, the discussions will move on to sports with many giving their well-aired opinions on the national game.
Drinks will be poured with the youngest, the designated barman. He will have to cultivate a good memory as the drinks ordered will be varied.
Some will want ice, others not, some will want a new glass for every new drink… but fear not – this fussiness will dissipate as the lunch wears on.
But what about the braai itself? There are various methods and nuances by which many swear. You get the Glencoe guys who start the fire on top of the grid and then turn it around at the last minute.
The Dundee okes seem to like the more traditional method but always argue about how long the meat should stay on the fire.
Then there are the guys who cannot wait for the charcoal to glow red with enticing embers – no, they simply stick their vleis into the open flames.
The more sophisticated stick onions and potatoes – wrapped in tinfoil – into the embers. Others toast cheese and tomato sandwiches on their braai – which is rather strange, considering a braai is for the more carnivorous among us.
There is also an argument over how the meal should be eaten. Some take the meat off and take it to the kitchen to give the ladies a chance to finish their salads.
The meat is later stuck in the microwave to be nuked – which the purists find objectionable – especially those from whom this was supposed to be a Christmas lunch and not just another braai day.
But it gives the men a chance to sneak down another brandy and Coke. Others like to eat their meat off the fire – cutting the steaks into small strips, smothering the strips in a concoction of Aromat, pepper and salt and other mysterious spices, and handing the wooden board around to those standing at the fire.
The ‘Master Braaier’ is jealous of his territory and would like his guests to pass comments of praise while he lines up the meat and chops and wors on the grid-like an army parade ground.
There is always a potato salad at a braai, and a heap is usually left-over and dumped in the fridge awaiting the arrival of another visitor on another day.
The puddings will probably remain untouched and the ladies will all agree that ‘next year we are going to a restaurant – I am not standing around here in the kitchen the whole day while that lot sit, drink and sun tan outside.’
At Caxton, we employ humans to generate daily fresh news, not AI intervention. Happy reading!
Stay in the know. Download the Caxton Local News Network App here.